HOW SICK ARE YOU?
- By Ashish Patil -
Last week, I happened to catch a bit of the
flu. Or what doctors call something when they have no fucking idea what’s wrong
with you, “viral” [Note: This has nothing to do with the term that Senior Brand
Managers use when briefing their creative agencies these days, “Ek viral banaa
ke do!”]
And the viral was really going, erm, viral! I knew of at least 6 to 8
friends/ colleagues/ friend’s colleagues/ colleague’s friends/ relatives/
relative’s friends/ friend’s… you get the idea… who’d caught it as well. And
no, there was no IPL, FIFA, long weekend round the corner that usually triggers
violent retching, high temperature or the loosies in most people. Often
simultaneously.
I realized, that you could classify people
into 4 quadrants basis their state of health – both, actual & perceived.
So, showcased below is a special ‘sickness mapping chart’ that you can use to
categorize people.
Why do you need to do that? Well, knowledge
is power. And knowing where people stand [or lie down – depending on the state
of their health] will better equip you to deal with them. These could be your
employees, your spouse, your kids… or even yourself. And honestly, it’s just fun.
Here’s how it works…
Graphic: Sickness mapping chart © Ashish Patil 2015
X-axis is the actual sickness axis. The
further to the right you are… the sicker you are.
And if you’re at the start line on the left,
you should be racing Milind Soman.
Y-axis is your
self-perceived state of health axis. The higher you are… the sicker you think you are. So, if you’re at the
bottom of this axis, you probably think you should be racing Milind Soman…
though you should probably not even race your bladder to the loo. [Sister, pass
me the bed pan!]
1.
Hi Hypochondriacs
These are people who are fine. But always think they’re sick. And their self-diagnosis could range anywhere from
having caught the Ebola virus to having got tested HIV+
Their [mental] immune system is the weakest.
And they can catch anything by even reading or hearing about it. The most
likely source of contagion is Google. They read up the symptoms and grow a
tumor! And their condition is usually very very
serious.
The reasons for this are not known. Various
hypotheses exist. From being needy attention seekers to just being lazy
assholes.
The best way to deal with them is – firmly.
The best prescription is a kick in the ass!
2.
Bimaar Baalaks
These are people who are genuinely unwell.
And know and accept they are too. Simple hai phir. Medical certificate, sick
leave, dawaa aur kuchh zyaada ho toh dua.
If it’s a frequent occurrence then it could
be something that requires some serious evaluation of lifestyle, habits and
certainly some tests. They should probably date a doctor and/ or take up an
assignment/ position like Senior Strategy Officer or Vice President HR. There’s
no heavy lifting involved and the delirium from the medication will probably
help fuel the bullshit required for those profiles.
3.
Fit Fuckers
These are people who are hale & hearty plus
they know it and like to show it. They are probably from Krypton and can only
be weakened if you were to find green kryptonite to shove up their bums. Matlab, haraamzaade, kabhi bimaar hi nahi
padte.
And some are worse, they go on and on about
their ‘fitness regimes’. Now these could vary from the no tea, no coffee, only
green tea/ no carbs, no fat, only salads diet/ no elevator, no sitting, only
stairs, standing desks/ walks, runs, jogs, swims, gym, yoga, hot yoga, cold
yoga, Pilates, kick-boxing, meditation, Zumba, aerobics, treks, planks, reps,
legs, abs, arms, biceps and what not. Eww!
They shouldn’t frankly even be featuring on
this note – they should go drink a protein shake while they bench press with
their babies.
4.
Health Hazards
These are people who are actually unwell, but
refuse to believe it, accept it or do anything about it. “Oh, it’s just a
cold!”/ “Oh, it’s nothing, probably lack of sleep!”/ “Kuch nahi yaar, just
tiredness!”
These are people who [while we appreciate
their commitment to work and all that] are simply stupid. They believe they
have adamantium fused into their bones, which gives them magical healing
abilities [no, you shit, you are NOT the Wolverine!] They will delay any and
all kinds of treatment until they are on the verge of collapse and they will
usually take one or two people [usually at least their partner or a colleague]
down with them. “Iss dawaai ki kya zaroorat hai?”/ “I think you’re
over-reacting!” These are the guys who will usually land up at work and spread
their germs. Or realize that all their arteries are blocked only after the
heart transplant [thank God for the green corridor – but “isski kya zaroorat
thi!”]
The only way to deal with them is – from a
distance.
Arre bhosdike, so jaa! Ghar jaa! Aur usse pehle, doctor ke paas
jaa!
Ok, so now that you guys know how to
categorize people – you don’t have to wait to actually get sick or for a visit
to the doctor’s clinic to start identifying these people. Run through your FB
friend list. Even their posts are a good clue, e.g.:
Typical Hi Hypochondriac posts
“Feeling sick”
Typical Bimaar Baalak posts
“Checked in @ Kokilaben. Visiting hours are 5
to 7pm.”
Typical Fit Fuckers posts
Picture of their abs, #selfie #workout #gym
#trainer #reps
#chutiye!
Typical Health Hazards posts
“Feeling awesome”/ “I’m ready for Monday,
Monday are you ready for me!”
I’m not sure where I classify under these… I
still need to run a few tests to arrive at a more conclusive diagnosis. But one
thing is for certain, my sense of humor certainly is sick!
