Notes to my unborn child

This is something I'd written sometime in 2005, about 4 months into our pregnancy - one of those random numbers... 

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I still can’t believe that I’m going to be a father.

It’s the end of the fourth month and it still hasn’t sunk in.

Will it ever?

I wonder.

At times I almost forget that I’m going to be a father.

In less than 5 months.

And it’s only when I see Shital again at the end of the day that I remember.

And I wonder. I wonder…

What kind of a father will I be?

Rishaan, minutes after he was born, Oct 5, 2005

Will I be a strict dad?

The sort who’s constantly screaming at his kid.

Who’s yelling at him for playing. Or not playing.

Or breaking stuff. Or whatever?

Will I be too lenient a dad?

The one who doesn’t even know how to scream.

Who can never say no.

Will I be a fun dad?

Who’s fun to play with. [I know I’ll probably get my ass kicked in cricket even by a two year old!]

Who teaches him new games.

And new card tricks.

And how to solve puzzles.

And can be a kid too [I’ll probably fight with him over his toys.]

Will I be an over possessive, over protective dad?

Who’s constantly asking his kid what he’s doing?

Where he’s going?

How he’s doing something?

Who never lets him out of his sight?

Will I be a good dad?

Who can teach his kid the difference between right and wrong?

And good and bad?

And the right thing to do. No matter how hard it is.

I don’t know.

I wonder what kind of father I will be?

More than anything, though I hope I can be a good friend.

Because in any relationship, husband-wife, brother-sister, teacher-student, parent-child… I think the most important thing is that you can be a good friend first.

Someone you can rely on.

Someone you can turn to when you’re sad, upset, hurt, unhappy.

Someone you can share stuff with.

Someone you turn to for advice.

Someone you can express your true feelings to.

Someone who will understand you.

Someone who you can learn from.

Someone you can have fun with.

Someone who is yours.

Someone you can be yourself with.

I don’t know what kind of father I will be.

But I think I know what kind of a friend I will be.

Or at least the kind of friend I will want to be.

The best kind.

And I know if I half manage to be my kid’s best friend, I should manage to be a half decent father to him.

10 Things I Noticed in Singapore

10 Things I Noticed In Singapore

#1: Singapore is full of skinny people 

1. Everyone in Singapore is thin or fit – probably genocide or something, or they fine fat people or send them to Japan [where I found out maximum number of men have tits and they actually retail man-bras! *I’m not making this up*]
2. Singapore is really kid-friendly – small things [literally] like having a low urinal in all loos, loads more indoor gyms and more
3. Singapore is really special needs friendly – ramps with stairs, wheel-chairs on rent, etc.
4. Singapore is really organized & structured, they have “how-to” instructions for everything – including how to wash your hands [and believe me you’ll learn something new]
5. Everyone in Singapore likes to stand in line
6. Even Indians – including Gujaratis – [don’t laugh, I’m married to one!] tend to behave themselves in Singapore – my theory is the threat of fines that does that [just like the threat of lashing/ flogging in Dubai]
7. Everyone in Singapore prefers saying “Can” and “Cannot” vs. “Yes” and “No” [and most sentences end with a “Lah” like a “yaar”]
8. Singapore is really tourism friendly and when they go after tourism, they really go after tourism – like in Sentosa, there will be 5 ways to get there [walk on a travellator, cable-car, car, bus, MRT/ train]; all local transport there are free; there are just incredible amounts of activity/ things to do that have especially been created there to boost tourism, and they keep at it, adding new attractions every year, right from Universal Studios, Anti-Gravity flying zones to Surfing lessons, beaches, artificial snow, skiing, elaborate science centres that make learning fun and more
9. Everyone in Singapore is really well dressed – not just smartly dressed, but stylishly turned out with the best brands and more
10. Everyone in Singapore is really polite – like if they’re really really angry they’ll probably say, “Ah, excuse me, but if you don’t mind and don’t think that its too much of a problem and not too inconvenient, then could you please screw yourself!”

#2 Singapore goes potty over making things kid friendly

#3 Singapore is special... super-special

#6 Take a number... even gujjus stand in line in Singapore

#8 Singapore doesn't think tourism is monkey business

#10 Singapore is really polite lah...

With the Merlion

Upcoming Music Trends 2006

A year's round up article I wrote for HT in 06... and what do you know some of it actually came true!
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LET THE MUSIC PLAY…
Upcoming music trends 2006

Everyone plays what’s already hot. It’s predicting what’s going to be hot that is the challenge. People in the music business have been trying to crack that forever. Studying trends, sales, looking westwards, doing what not to try and figure it out.

If only there was a formula. Well if I knew, I’d be rich.
And well, I don’t. So I’m not. [I work for MTV!]

But for all it’s worth, here’s my take on what and who’s possibly going to be hot in music in 2006. Based purely on my limited understanding of our viewer’s tastes, the Indian music business mixed with personal likes, dislikes and my own gut feel.

WHAT’S OUT… OR IN EXIT MODE
1. Bhangra
No real new Bhangra acts. Even the older ones have failed to serve up anything new. Unless some reinvention happens, the sound that had the nation [including the South] rocking is out.

2. Brit Asian
What was one of the biggest trends of last year is now waning. Crossing over from India and then back in with Panjabi MC, Rishi Rich, Raghav and more. Action has slowed down even in the UK where the sound first originated.

3. Remix
2005 already saw a decline in both tracks and videos [be it with or without 3 girls and a whip!] The slide continues in 2006 with everyone looking out for newer, more original acts.

4. Talent hunt winners
From the fastest moving consumer product to being parked in the last shelf. The category will chill out because of the sheer overkill in numbers. The talent being churned out will see shorter life spans, lesser hysteria and fewer hits. Aapka Abhijeet may be the last action hero we saw!

WHAT’S IN… OR COMING YOUR WAY
1. Pakistani infiltration
The trend will not only grow but explode in 2006. MTV’s already featured a string[s] (sic!) of Pak acts like Strings, Fuzon, Jal, Ali Zafar, Ali Azmat, Faakhir, Junoon. Bollywood latched on with some of the biggest hits of 05 being of Paki origin. Be it “woh lamhay” [Zeher], “aadat” / “dhadak dhadak” [Kalyug]. And you know when that happens… its ready steady blast off! Not surprising given the simple and original melodies, meaningful lyrics and superior + clean videos.

2. Hip Hop
From the Big B [Amitabh in Bunty aur Babli] to the Small B [Abhishek in Bluffmaster], everyone’s doing it. It’s evident in the sound, the videos, the styling and more. No longer restricted to the 2 weirdos you know who wear their pants below their knees and have the strangest handshake ever. Hip Hop’s here to stay Ma Homie!

3. Cross over
Not of sounds. But people. From composers who turned singers [Himesh singing “aashiq banaya aapne”], singers turning composers [Sonu, Adnan] to choreographers turning popstars [Ganesh Hegde]. We’ll probably see a lot more of this. Whether we like it or not!

4. International influence
This will be visible and audible in areas right from production and music arrangement to videos and lyrics. So “just chill chill”, “wind your body two time” are not one off “i’m a disco dancer”… you’ll be hearing a lot worse English in the coming year. Well, “mama already told me that”!

PEOPLE TO WATCH OUT FOR…
1. Playback
a. Kunal Ganjawala: Murder and Salaam Namaste are only the start… his best is yet to come. Keep your eyes on this one. Mr. Ganjawala pass us some of that good stuff.
b. Shweta Pandit: This one’s dynamite. Her work in Naach and Neal N Nikki are only a sampler of her capability. She’s going to give everyone a serious run for their money. Yes, rockstar, superstar, hot n happening Shweta Pandit.
2. Crossover
a. Himesh Reshammiya: He’s churned out some of the biggest hits of all times… “tere naam’, “just chill” and after picking up an Immies bhopu for singing “aashiq banaaya aapne”, there’s going to be no holding him back. Watch out for his private album hitting the stores shortly.
b. Ganesh Hegde: Style, attitude and more. MTVIndia.com’s 500,000+ subscribers rate him as the best performance at the MTV Immies. I agree. Ganesh is a rockstar. And he knows it. See his incredible launch video “main deewana” and you know he means business. G’s got some more aces up his sleeve. Watch them get dealt as the year plays out.
3. Indipop
a. Abhijeet Sawant: This one’s no ‘One Hit Wonder’. The style is backed by enough substance. Wait for album 2… but bhau… you will need to reinvent, repackage to prove that.
b. Indian Idol 2: Expectations will be high. But then so will be the publicity blitz which will take care of the initial. Can we hope for a woman star this time, please?
4. Pakistani pop
a. Jal: If you thought “woh lamhay” rocked and you loved them live… my money’s on these young Turks from Pakistan for their second album. I’ve already pre-booked my copy.
b. Rahat Fateh Ali Khan: A voice that will cross any border, Rahat saab is the man behind the super soulful “dhadak dhadak”. He earns his surname as Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan’s nephew and successor. This is one voice that’s going to resonate through 06.
c. Shahzad Roy: Super sensation in Pakistan. Should have broken way before any of the others. But better late than never. Known as much for his pro-social work as his music, Shahzad has a killer video breaking soon called “saali tu maani nahi” which is already a rage back home. He’s going to rule. Better believe it else I’ll say, “saley tum maane nahi”!

If any of these forecasts do come true, maybe there is a formula. And maybe there is money in it. You can send in your feedback [and cheques] addressed to patila@mtv-asia.com. Enjoy!

Comfortably Dumb

Note I'd written after the 26/11 terror attacks... 
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Nah! This can’t happen to us. Or people like us. The ‘privileged’ sorts. Privileged not just financially, but in all respects. Almost like we’re bullet proofed, wrong choice of words, or actually not… from ‘these’ things.

This is what happens to other people. To the not so ‘privileged’ types.

Who can imagine, 20 odd teens or guys in their early twenties, coming in on a boat and holding a city ransom! And attacking, taking hostages at of all places South Bombay, Taj, , on a regular weeknight. Leaving 100+ dead. 300+ hurt. Millions scarred. And a city changed. Forever.

Even after hearing it, it was stuff you typically only heard on the news. On bad crime report shows. And cursed the cops, the politicians, the establishment about. Saying how could they not have prevented it. And laughed at some of the OTT Hindi News Channels over the sensationalized coverage, “maut ka taandav!” and carried on with your life.

Then as things started getting worse and stories came trickling in about people we knew and/ or their relatives being stuck there or being untraceable or having managed to get out of there you started getting shaken up a little. And this nonsense continued for a while. You couldn’t believe it. Its 48 hours plus. And its not ended yet.

And then I heard about a friend’s sister & husband – Rita & Sanjay – who were caught at the Oberoi’s going missing. They were around 40, were typically late for all dinners, events. Just this one day they decided to get to dinner on time. And reached ten minutes early to meet their friends. Their friends on the other hand reached late. Late enough to not be allowed into the Oberoi as there were some ‘problems’ or ‘disturbances’ as quoted by the authorities. They went incommunicado right after.

Their bodies were finally identified today. Found huddled under the table. Rita had a bullet in her head, Sanjay through his heart. They were found hugging each other. And couldn’t be separated. They’re survived by two sons, 19 & 21. Who just flew back from London where they study. The last time they saw their parents was a couple of months back.

This is what sent shivers down my spine. And made me feel angry and sad and fragile and vulnerable and frustrated and scared and helpless.

The last time I felt like this was a long time back. Not during the July floods, the train blasts, 9/11, the serial blasts. But during the communal riots that broke out after the Babri masjid demolition in 1992. We used to stay at Tardeo. Again, in a bubble, away from these ‘harsh’ surroundings.

There was a tailoring outfit on the ground floor of my building – Kachins – that did clothes for big film stars. It was Amitabh’s favorite as a matter of fact. Every weekend we’d catch a glimpse of some star or the other who was there for a fitting, or more. Kachins was owned/ run by a pleasant bori muslim. Who was very active in the building’s cooperative society. Who always returned our ball even if it entered his store when we were playing cricket. And gave me the fattest donation when I went with a school magazine prospectus. The lead designer there was Akbar bhai who spun off on his own to set up Gabbana.

There was a slum right behind my building. We knew loads of people there. I had a rakhi sister in school who lived there. Our maid lived there. Couple of my mom’s friends had a house there. And I’d visit often. Especially during Ganpati or so when festivities used to be at their peak there.

During the riots, when things were tense, we always felt safe knowing that there was a police chowky in the slum right behind. And the people in the jhopad patti itself were very peaceful, they knew us and depended on the building for their livelihood.

And suddenly one day, we saw a mob collecting at this time. And advancing towards the building. Before you knew it, they’d jumped the wall of our compound, run towards Kachins, smashed the glass showroom window and ransacked the store, stolen the suits, suit pieces, shirts, hell, even the mannequins. Set parts of it on fire and run. I recognized some of the teenagers who did this. I knew some of them by name.

And suddenly I felt violated, scared, unsafe. Like nothing, nobody’s safe. All those feelings of “nahi yaar, yeh hum logon ke saath nahi ho sakta” vanished. And the fear felt suddenly very real. I remember hugging dad really tight. Almost asking how can something like this happen to people like us. It’s not supposed to. We’re meant to be away from and above all this.

It took me a long time to get over it. But just like Bombay always manages to get over this, kick back into action after being bombed, flooded, shot at, attacked… I too got over it. And had become almost numb to all that happened to it in the same way. Some call it being resilient. I think it’s more being comfortably numb.

After hearing about Rita & Sanjay that feeling just suddenly came back like one massive wave sweeping over me. I hugged my son, who’s all of 3 and fortunately too young to understand any of this, very tight. I wanted to just hold on to him. And not let go. More to comfort myself than him. To reassure myself that it’s all cool. Or it’s not, but it will be.

It scared me to think about how unpredictable, unreliable life is. I mean, being shot by a terrorist is definitely, not the way to go, ever! How can that happen to us? Or people like us?? It just hit me hard, that there really is no guarantee whatsoever to life. Even for ‘people like us.’ And all these stupid thoughts about what would my son do, my home loan, my parents should something happen to me started crossing my mind.

And I’m meanwhile being hit by random sms, fb communities being set up to light candles in the window, maintain silence for a minute, forward mails, hate mail to politicians and more. OH SHUT UP!
I think its time we really said enough is enough. And didn’t celebrate/ or say “salaam Mumbai” for it’s resilience. It’s time we insisted, demanded and mandated a Government to prepare for disasters and disaster management. That would not just control things faster, but prevent them from happening in the first place.

Let’s not get comfortable. Let’s not be numb. Let’s speak up. Let’s not play dumb.

OD’ING ON REALITY OR HAPPY TO GET REAL!

Bollywood, culture and entertainment often reflect society and the prevalent moods of the times. We’ve seen that over the years. Be it with the angry young man manifesting the pent up frustration of a generation or the rich, successful Raj’s, Samir’s of Dil Chahta Hai, DDLJ, etc. who seemed to have shed not just the villains but also any form of struggle/ hardships in their childhoods. Over the last several years, there have been some fundamental shifts in society, mind spaces that could potentially explain what television is reflecting, leading and affecting. Let me try and break it down…

1. SHORT CUT GENERATION
Kids today are in a serious rush. Kiske paas time hai… they wanna be CEO’s at 22 and millionaires at 18! What’s good or bad is defined by them basis their wants. They are willing to take short cuts to make it happen for them. Where it’s ok to be greedy and materialistic. Where 2 friends acting gay to rent an apartment is ok [Dostana] and a con who gets rich quick Lucky [Oye Lucky Lucky Oye] is a rockstar!

My dad started and retired in the same job after 40+ years [Union Bank of India!] I have had 2 jobs over the last 15-16 years [this being my 11th year at MTV!] But meet the new hires of today – the longest time spent in any single job is 2 years tops. They’ve jumped places, switched jobs every couple years to accelerate their growth. My dad was risk averse. I’m not. I wanna fly – but my feet are still firmly planted on the ground. The kids today however wanna fly with, forget their feet, not even an eye on the ground. Uddnaa chalu karo, phir dekhenge. And this is the case, not just when stakes are high. This is just for the heck of it too. Cause they’re seeking unlicensed thrills [see the kind of games – video, computer and other – that the kids are playing these days and you’ll know what I mean].

The saas-bahu serials of yesterday [thank god!] can no longer deliver that emotional pay off. That’s why edgy, gritty reality series give them that fix!

2. I WANNA BE FAMOUS
My future was earlier defined by my birth [dad’s a carpenter, main bhi carpenter banunga], it moved to education [so what if dad’s a carpenter, main paddhai karke doctor banunga] – to now talent [it doesn’t matter if I don’t have a godfather or I’m from a small town – my future will be defined by my talent]. I can make it basis my singing, dancing, my fashion designing, etc.

And being successful is no longer enough. Being seen as being successful is important. Fame is a big measure of success. Anil Ambani hangs out on page 3 with the Bachchans, cool… Vs. Mukesh who’s busy building hospitals, schools and petroleum projects when not battling PR crises against his brother!

The talent hunts/ reality shows of today also provide that short cut to ‘success’, er, fame that could work as a springboard to a bigger career – hell, maybe even as a professional reality show contestant. Check out Rakhi Sawant!

3. DEKH BHAI DEKH
We’re a hugely voyeuristic nation. Who wants to see a happy couple hold hands and walk down the street? But see one scrapping, slugging it out? Oh yeah! It’s like watching a car crash – you can’t turn your eyes away! Haven’t you seen the loop of ‘breaking news’ on the million odd news channels that beam out, the headlines, the tabloid articles… we love it, whether we believe it or not is a different matter. And reality shows often fuel that. With some of the freaks that are placed out there. Often enough it’s surprising to see even ‘regular’ people behave like freaks once in an unreal situation on a reality show. Agar mein iss jungle mein hota toh kya hota? If I were trapped in a house with Rahul Mahajan & Raja Choudhary for 90 days what would I do [I’d slash my wrists!]

But let’s admit it, we really don’t mind watching Payal Rohatgi in that pool and Negar Khan under that waterfall after all… compared to a 387 year old ba who refuses to be, er, eliminated!

4. NOTHING SUCCEEDS LIKE SUCCESS, SO R&D [RIP OFF & DUPLICATE]
MTV invented the format of reality shows. As way back as the 90’s with the world’s first unscripted show on prime time titled ‘MTV Real World’ that featured a bunch of youngsters living in a house for a given period doing various things. The show was path-breaking in more ways than one. Stripping all that was ‘fake’/ staged away. Bringing to the table real yet dramatic reactions from real dramatic characters. It shoved into your face all the racial, social and other biases, prejudices that most people were scared to even talk about and turned it into compelling stories. The first ever homosexual character on national television – Pedro Zamora – who was among the earliest cases diagnosed with HIV/ AIDS was on the show. He, in fact, passed away on the show. What the show did to wipe out the stigma around AIDS, homosexuality, to just get it out of the closet and people talking about it, to create awareness was unprecedented spurring a spate of me-too’s. Not surprising cause nothing succeeds like success.

The India story’s kinda similar. MTV Hero Honda Roadies is one of the country’s first and longest running reality shows. It has today turned into a cult show with the highest ever viewership, extensions in the category with a massive following in the digital space as well. It connected cause it wasn’t fake. No fake tears. No melodramatic judges saying, “main tere ghar pe roti pakaunga, chulhaa jalaaunga.” No staged walk-outs. The youth of India. Against the backdrop of India [and now also abroad since the last 3 seasons]. And dramatic tasks, twists and turns that keep you on the edge of your seat. The situations may be entirely unreal, but the reactions are completely real. These kids aren’t actors. When they’re jealous or angry or crying, they’re not acting. It’s the real deal.

And when a small show on small channel like MTV got so big, we were bound to have followers – not just viewers. They realized we’re on to something. So along came the big GEC boys and pulled out the stops. Now let’s just put every 2nd and 3rd grade celebrity through the routine and place every 1st and 2nd rung star to front it. And back it up with a multi-million $$ push. Not surprising again, cause the largest audience in the country – television viewing or consumption-wise is the demo MTV chases – 15-35 – given that 70% of the country is under 35!

Some of these shows work. Several of them don’t. And are demolished with the zap of a thumb on the remote. Cause we’re talking to one of the most fickle, hard to please audiences in one of the most competitive television markets in the world where there is an option overload.

We still have a long way to go, if one were to look westwards – where the Jerry Springers’ and others are redefining Shock TV just when you think you’ve seen it all! Hell, Jade Goody sold television rights to her last few days, MTV’s Tom Green made a comedy/ reality series out of his testicular cancer [though you could no longer say he was nut!] – raising money for a hospital for that cause. But we seem to be getting there fast.

Eventually, what will always work will be good stories, well told. Irrespective of format – reality, fiction or otherwise.
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This is an article I wrote for DNA recently...

MUSIC TELEVISION IS DEAD. LONG LIVE MUSIC TELEVISION!

If there was ever a time to be in the music business, it’s now! There’s a renaissance happening. Music consumption is at an all time high. Young audiences are saying they’d like to listen to music 24x7 if possible – like having an OST to their lives. Music today is like breathing — they need it to survive and they expect free access — music is not a product for sale… it’s an idea, an expression, an artistic statement. But sidebar here, I’m saying music consumption, not music sales are at an all time high. Slight, er, big difference there. Young audiences are saying as long as they can get music free off the net, they’ll never pay for it!

Which brings us to the net and technology – which is changing the way music is being consumed completely. Whereas brands once helped bring fans closer to the music/artists they love, they now seem like the unnecessary middleman in certain places.

And that’s where it’s the death of classic music television, as we knew it. If you’re still stuck in the back-to-back music video play out format – all the best! The demise of a few of our friends in the category [even as a I wipe a tear, sniff!] bears that out every year. You’re going to hit a glass ceiling both in terms of viewership and revenues if your plan is to just broadcast videos 24x7. And the ‘innovation’ is – hey ma, look, no real VJ’s, we got animation instead!

While listening to music, watching music videos, reading the lyrics are still the most important music experiences… it’s no longer a linear, passive experience. In reality, it’s a lot more dynamic, hell, chaotic!
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This is an article I wrote recently for Radio & Music magazine...

<Visual/ Graph/ Chart> 

1. DISCOVER
Consumers want to discover music & artistes. And the sources go beyond the traditional tv, radio, word of mouth to the expanding and emerging word of mouse, video games, blogs, social networking sites and more. Increased discovery also leads to increased disposability of both stardom and fandom! I seem to get tired of music artistes quicker than I did in the past. What role are we playing in helping them discover? Music channels are going to have to refresh their playlists way faster and have a mix that’s way smarter than they did in the past. MTV’s Kickass Mornings tries to do this and half succeeds being the no. 1 rated music block in the country with not just current Bollywood but random tracks/ videos in there to spice it up too!

2. EXPLORE
Audiences also don’t like to be told what music to listen to by the music industry! Their most trusted source? Themselves! With pickiness on the rise and endless access, intelligent push/ convenient pull is the new mantra. Giving them options basis tastes, choice [think Amazon – if you liked this book, you may like this one too!], some expected, some unexpected. While our classic MTV Chito Chats, Piddhus provided trivia and information; MTV Lost in Translation showcases Tamil, Telugu, Turkish, Spanish and videos in all languages with a mad phonetic take to surprise its audiences.

3. OWN
The definition of owning music has changed from physically owning it forever [CD, cassette, mp3] to be able to hear it when you want to, now, in the moment [ringtones, caller ringbacks, inserted into myspace profiles, more]. To the industry this may be stealing, but to the consumer this is a natural form of discovery, exploration. And consumers believe it doesn’t necessarily take $$$ to be a fan. There are monetary [buy cd, ringtone, attend concert, wear t-shirt] as well as non-monetary [recommend, share, view videos, visit website] activities to demo artiste support. Music channels at some level have been vending their audiences to monetize from other brands rather than making them pay – we’re going to have to do lot more of that and in fact facilitate ownership. Just the way MTV’s completely interactive 24x7 [you can download every video/ song you watch as a ringtone] and also hosting artiste fan pages and more.

4. PERSONALISE
Music consumption is no longer a passive experience. It’s about adding your own creativity to it. The new tools are the net; phones/ digicams with cameras & video; software; cd burners leading to outputs like personalized playlists, mash-ups, mixes, own versions of videos [lip synched/ sung or even shot/ created/ performed live]. Our definition of the music video has to evolve. At vh1 we’ve done a series of UGC led videos for bands including Pentagram, Bryan Adams and Scorpions… then for Jhoom Baraabar Jhoom closer home by MTV, a series of mixes for MTV Battleground online. We’ve had users write the lyrics for MTV Splitsvilla’s theme song collaborating with Agnee… some super entries, ask Mohan!

5. SHARE
People have always felt the need to tell others about great music. But today their influence can spread further and faster. From simpling lending a cd, wearing a t-shirt or bluetoothing a ringtone to blogging about a song/ show, giving it your review/ rating, flagging it off on your facebook status update, posting a video on youtube, enabling your computer to file-share… a single person’s reach can extend from 1 person to 10 million! But sharing isn’t a totally altruistic endeavor. They expect something back. Credit, feedback, ratings, more. If word of mouth recos are our most trusted form of advertising, are we gratifying our consumers for promoting us? We try that by looping back viewer reviews, by recruitment programs on our twitter, fb, orkut… other online extensions. We gratify them through money can’t buy prizes – like artiste meet & greets, exclusive merchandise and giving them fame [it’s still something big to be on MTV – not just to artistes, but others as well!] We also help deliver a big part of the sharing experience – which is live. The unpredictability of live music makes it the ultimate shared music experience. In their words, the equivalent of drinking a barrel of red bull! Watch out for our hottest new show Rock On with MTV which will feature music as never seen or heard before – be it the rock version of ‘om jai jagdish hare’ to the bhangra mix of ‘Spiderman Spiderman’, the bhajan rendition of ‘emotional atyaachaar’ to the rajasthani/ folk version of ‘dhan ta nan’ – with 50 desi rockstars facing off in a live concert every week.

Finally, it’s going to be…
• About redefining the mainstream. About defining what’s popular – not just reporting it.
• About making fans pay through word of mouth vs. $$$. Artistes & advertisers are hungry for an economic framework that works for all sides of the equation.
• About TRULY embracing what the music video means today. And evolving it.
• About delivering shared music experiences – live [beyond just concerts – in the virtual world and more].
• About providing tools and platforms to collaborate and personalize.
• About realizing that your music listener/ viewer is your USER now.

It’s not going to be about the quantum of music on your platform but what you do with it and how. But the recommitment to music needs to be signaled now, while the renaissance is still young.

MUSIC TELEVISION IS DEAD. LONG LIVE MUSIC TELEVISION!

Francis Ford Bathula takes a bow…

Mahendra Bathula and I joined MTV at about the same time. Among the first few projects, we worked on together was MTV Top Gaana and getting it on to some 70 million Lay’s packs. That’s when I realized, here’s one guy who’s even more anal than I am! God, he drove me nuts, changing the layout on that damn chip bag almost 70 million times!

Then followed some really fun contests, promos, show packaging… MTV Baar Baar Dekho, MTV Bichhde Hue Bhai contest [yeah, that was the original separated at birth series!], the award-winning MTV Food for Thought promos for Cadbury Perk which are still on our showreel and more.

What hit you was his eye for detail. Trying to get the typography right [that was his trip – “mere ko Oscar® nahi, ek din best typography award jeetna hai!”], the casting [among the few people who’d know the importance of a “daai maa” in a Bollywood spoof], on getting the right Silk Smita track with S.P. Balasubramaniam’s yodeling. Which is what made a promo repeat viewing worthy. Which is what made a good promo, a great promo. Which is what makes an MTV promo!

All incredibly visible also in his last project at MTV… Porok for Xbox 360.

Bathula passed away late last morning at about 1:30am due to a very painful brain tumor that he’d been battling for many years – in fact, all through the entire Porok project.

You shall be truly missed, my friend. In the words of Maanja from Porok, you truly are the gali ka badshaah. May your soul rest in peace.

Respect.

The Ultimate MTV Big Pic: Kaushik Bagani

"A character is not something you get or grow only when its convenient." Kaushik's words to me over a year and a half back as he apologised in classic Kaushik style for not accepting his increment letter. Saying he's sorry, as he'd not been able to give his 100% due to his failing health and he couldn't justify it to himself!

Praks, his supe, was flabbergasted. I remember I had to force it down Kaushik's throat telling him how even his 50% was worth 500% from several others put together. That it was never about physical time spent in office but the idea, the quality of thinking and execution/ story telling you brought on to the table. And my God, he delivered way more than 100% there. After he did take the letter - me & Praks just sat in my office quiet for a bit and pretty much wept like women.

I can think of several people who right now don't justify their existing salaries, forget an increment and still express their disappointment at the quantum of a hike received. But I cannot think of a single person who would think, forget do/ say what Kaushik did.

And that theme extends to all he did. Kaushik helped redefine how we did Bollywood. And the classic MTV Big Pictures, Director's Cuts, Biographies, Specials. Not just at MTV. But in the category to a large extent. We went beyond the usual 5 star poolside/ coffee shop and the "what was it like working with ramuji?" type of interviews. He introduced something basic back to even our most basic shows. An idea. And story telling.

His simplicity, this 'basic-ness' manifested itself in his actions. The long hand notes in the old school handbound notebooks. Beautiful. The effort on nailing the right text for the promos. I remember I used to call him 'Superman' cause all his promos would always be 'super-based', a signature Kaushik style, be really, well, super and just, make you feel, wanna watch that content. With a range that stretched from humor, thrill, romantic, mad, emotional to more. Kaushik's ability to pull back, observe, analyse - films, series, actors - and he did a lot of that - and then apply that to his craft was unreal. A single conversation with him even about a particular episode of a serial would be a learning and a whole new perspective. On entertainment, on life. His specials were legendary. The effort/ planning/ research/ writing that went into each, awesome. See the stuff he did with shahrukh, amitabh, karan johar... Over the years. It set the benchmark for bollywood programming. Kamalhassan (Kaushik's idol) was, in fact, so impressed by him that he pulled him on board at his expense as script doctor, bouncing board for some screenplays, scripts he was working on. Kaushik's joy at this was childlike.

He was the one guy I knew, who actively sought out ways to constantly upgrade his skills. References, and more. Wish more people in general and more specifically in our creative team had that attitude, hunger. I still remember reading the draft of the last project he worked on at MTV. A phenomenal screenplay/ plot. If we ever manage to get that made... It's up there for an Emmy!

And he kept at it all through battling his illness and all kinds of medication, treatment, alternative healing and everything he and family tried. Enduring even serious physical pain to get into office, handle the a/c wearing some serious woolens, etc. "Cause work is what is keeping me occupied, excited, distracted from the pain. And I need the money. And if I'm getting paid, I want to work."

I guess, as Kaushik said, "A character is not something you get or grow only when its convenient."

He often asked me through the MTV repositioning if there was still space on the channel for the kind of content that he made/ could make. Frankly, even if he were physically out of action for a year plus, that one idea, input or just knowing him was enough...

Kaushik passed away last night at 8:30pm.

Respect & peace, brother. I know you are now still at it, up there on the Ultimate MTV Big Picture/ Director's Cut, but with the best director/ star to do the biography with. I know it will turn out, super.

Irrespective, I know me & Praks are quiet right now and are gonna weep like women tonight as well. And I know lots of others who will too.

I hate you ma!

I still have lots to learn about life from you, ma
I want you to walk the red carpet at my first film's premiere, ma
I need you to tell me its all gonna be alright when I am down, ma
I want you to see your grandson bring his first girlfriend home and graduate and buy his own car and take you for a spin before me, his mom or his girlfriend and chase his dream and more, ma
I need to come back to your handmade daal chaawal after an outstation trip, ma
I want you to oil my hair one more time...
And tell me a bedtime story, ma
I need you to make me feel like Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Hrithik Roshan rolled into one as I wear any new shirt, ma
I want to sleep in your lap, ma
I need you to tell me I am wrong, when I am wrong, ma
I want you to tell me how much you love me again and teach me what unconditional love truly means, ma
I still haven't told you enough times how much I love you, ma
Why did you go, ma?
I love you, ma!

Ma left us on Sunday night
She was surrounded by her loved ones, happy & peaceful in her final moments
She heard her grandson, Rishaan, recite a poem and passed away in her sleep
She's hugely missed

We have a small prayer meeting for her on Thursday, April 29th from 6:00pm to 7:00pm at Shrushti bldg, 13th floor, 1301, Old Prabhadevi Road, Prabhadevi, Opp Century Bazaar, Bengal Chemicals/ VIP House Lane, Mumbai 25.

Freedom to me

FREEDOM TO ME

Is the ‘no permission needed’ to party or stay out late,
Is the liberty to choose my own friends,
Is the choices I can make for my education,
Is the options I have for entertainment…
And clothes and holidays and more!
Is the independence from parents on pocket money, hell I make my own!
Is the ability to choose my own career – that’s different from dad’s – and make money, and get fame,
Is not having to wear a noose, er, neck tie to work,
Is the lack of restrictions in picking my own life partner,
Is free expression,
Is candor, honesty and openness – in all I do and experience,
Freedom to me is power,

Freedom to me is Freedom to be.
Freedom to be me.

MTV celebrates 61 years of Independence with Freedom Rocks – a rock version of Jana Gana Mana [The New Power Anthem – MTV style]. And the voice of Young India. All day, August 15th, 2008. Ad free.

Check out the video at http://www.mtvindia.com/video/video.php?vid=833

Jai Hind!

Bhadaas...

Mail I'd sent to my [marketing] team a while back during some VJ hunt promotion...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Things We Think But Do Not Say
Thoughts of an MTV Marketing Guy – Or someone who saw Jerry Maguire last night

We’re in a rut. Routine. Going about the motions. Brief in. Brief out. Template set hai. Lagaao. Budget in. Spot out. E-mail in. E-mail out.

It’s not like we’re not doing our jobs. Or not doing stuff sincerely. We still are. And we’re still ahead of the rest. Better than the others. Not to flatter ourselves, but that’s cause our average is better than most people’s best.

But just the way most stuff comes to us, and just the way we evaluate it… it’s regulation. Our current levels of effort, I mean. We’re there. Just there. Neutral. Nothing more. Nothing less. We may be better than the others, but we’re not better than ourselves. Forget better than, we’re not even as good as our usual selves.

The truth is, we’re bored. Uninspired. Unexcited.

Meanwhile, Popstars is out there with 107 different creatives, a 2-3 crore off-air marketing budget, a 5 channel premiere. And this is just the start! Wait till the album & video happen. It’s gonna be even louder. It’s gonna be the benchmark promotion. You can forget next year’s Gautam Ghosal trophy!

Meanwhile, we’ll be standing around, saying, “Wow!”
Meanwhile, we’re bored. Unexcited. Not motivated. Grey.

I CARE VERY MUCH ABOUT THE FACT THAT WE’VE LEARNED TO CARE LESS.

Okay, here’s the cue to pull out our excuses…
1. No budgets: vis a vis competition, vis a vis our own last year, vis a vis threshold, basic, minimum requirements
2. No support: from people around, from other departments
3. No time: between green flag and kick-off; or because of too much other shit on our plate
4. No focus: again, too much happening, no prioritization, first half a marketing project and later on a production gig
5. No brains: we’re just surrounded by idiots, they don’t even try to think
6. No interest: “what’s the point?”, “last time, kitna bola, kitna try kiya!”, “nothing changes”, “it’s no use, we’ve been thru these… “
7. No space: too much interference, too many opinions, from clients, bosses, colleagues… CHUTS!

Tell me something new.

I’m not about to offer counters or solutions to each or any one of these. I don’t have any. I just have the same bunch of people and problems to deal with.

We have two options.
Option 1: Give up. Throw in the towel. The path of least resistance. That’s easy. That’s boring. That’s, also, not us.

If you choose to go with that, stop reading this. Exit this file, this program, this computer, this project. Go fucking home!

Option 2: Give it a shot. A serious shot.
I’m not suggesting you change the world; launch a satellite; VH1; MTV’s radio initiative or relaunch Nick. I don’t even want you to try and change the face of the channel or the way production, programming and marketing operate. No, don’t bother to try and triple our turnover (though that would be nice).

I’m simply suggesting, take one small step. One micro mini step at a time. Specifically; let’s focus, pick one thing where hopefully where we have a little more control / say.

VJ Hunt.

Pick one element of VJ Hunt: the creative, the programming support, the comms push, the online, the cross channel push, the TAR element, radio, online, sms, stunts, research.

Own it. Make it ROCK!

So if you have programming… how else are you gonna use the channel and all of our 26 on-air properties (shows, vignettes and platforms). Beyond the in-show plugs. Beyond the loop back of auditions. How are you going to drive eyeballs back to the channel? And where? To Most Wanted? Do we take over that show? What are the 68 programming (no cost – low cost) ideas that we have? Have we even spoken about those to PnP? Have we even tried building a case of why it’s necessary? And if we’ve been already turned down, have we tried harder? Used the bosses if necessary? Or got something else to replace these? E.g. OAP clips? How does it matter, as long as the objectives are achieved?

Ditto on online. Say who gives a fuck. But have we thought of something loud, outrageous, wHacky (there, I said it!) enough to make news on its own!

On the creative. If you have a point of view, are you going to fight like a kutta to make sure you’re heard. And your points taken on the look, feel, tone, content, tie in, tie out and even the size of the logo? Or are you going to give in? As always?

If the trade perception is MTV can’t pull off something of a huge scale… (the truth is apni gaand mein nahi hai dum)… but that it’s the place for wHacky (there, I did it again!), original ideas. Then why don’t we capitalise on this. Or fuck it, control-alt-delete. Let’s just do what we want.

But let’s DO what we want. Let’s show all the mother-fuckers in here and out there how to do, run, drive a good promotion.

And purely from a selfish point of view. Let’s do something about our boredom.

Let’s turn grey to yellow.

What's my MTV?

This is a note that I'd pushed out when we repositioned MTV from pure play music to youth entertainment and changed graphics, added new shoes, changed stationery, hell, even the furniture! An email to the team to set up the tone for way forward.
----------------
It’s difficult to define an icon that’s defined an entire generation. But each one has his / her version… so what’s My MTV?

My MTV’s beyond Music.

Born of music, inspired by music, driven by music – but not limited by music.

My MTV’s beyond Television.
New ideas, new formats, new ways of reaching people in the new places they choose to live in.

As the Semi Girebaal ringtone on your phone, the Roadies Cargoes on your butt, the music store online.

My MTV’s the universe of the young.
Made of them, for them, almost by them – with elements & expressions unique to their world.

If you see it scrawled on their classroom desks, you’ll see it hangin’ on our walls; if it’s going on in their heads, you’ll hear it in our environment. Doodles, tattoos, graffiti, whispers, scraps…

My MTV’s the authentic voice of the audience.

Everything we do communicates & connects them to us.
Not just the shows we air, but the ads we run, the celebrities we feature, the music we promote on stage, online, the team we are.

My MTV’s speaking a language that has meaning for our audience.
Not their parents.
Definitely not their teachers.

My MTV is – take no bullshit.
Our audience trusts us because we won’t lie to them. We won’t candy coat. We won’t put lipstick on a pig.
My MTV gives it to them straight. That’s why they come to us. That’s why we go to them wherever, whenever and however they want to talk to us.

My MTV’s looking up to our audience’s potential.
Not down on their limitations.

My MTV’s the original community.

My MTV’s everything new.
Ideas, formats, people, technology, products, what’s going on, the hottest, the latest, the newest.

My MTV is about constant change. And the courage to throw it away and make it new and important again.

My MTV’s the front door to everything that’s possible.
There’s an entry point for every individual, department, channel, our audience and our partners. As we constantly change with the landscape, our definition expands to include everyone that comes of age with MTV.

My MTV’s about Shahrukh & Shakira.
Bappi & Bono.
Himesh & Hip Hop.
Mia & Semi.
Odd couples flourish in our land. Fixed perspectives, standard interpretations, and old prejudice cannot survive.

My MTV is a willingness to synthesize, explore, embrace opposites. Rather than conflict or clash, our audience embraces this diversity as richness and texture and variety. One modifies, amplifies and inflects the other.

My MTV’s freedom.

Ready to break things, make mistakes and launch ideas that might not work.

My MTV is inventive anarchy that perpetually recharges the battery of our culture; and joy and energy and love and passion and heart and soul.

My MTV’s motherfucking fun.

It’s My MTV!

Ladies & Gentlemen: Rock & Roll.
Again.

What makes MTV, MTV?

Old article I'd written a long time back for a paper...
--------------------------------------------------------------
What makes MTV, MTV?

I don’t know.

Really! Even if I ‘kind of’ do, I’m not sure if I can explain it to you. Not in a half page article anyway.

What I do know is that a Company is the sum of its entire people. Who they are, what they do, what they wear, how they think, how they act (think and act not necessarily in the same order), how they interact with each other and more.

The best way to understand what makes MTV tick is to find out (at least try to) what makes its people tick. Who are these wackos and why we hire them?

Sneak in as I put a “Bakra-Cam” (hidden camera) on a typical MTV interview. Attached is an expletives <bleep> deleted version, read on…

Interview #1
Alex : So why do you want to join MTV?
Candidate #1 : Sir, I want to value add to this quality driven organisation, for I am a result-oriented man not afraid of revisiting his knowledge base. I want to be the best, so I want to work with the best…
Alex : NEXT!

Interview #2
Alex : Tell me something about yourself.
Candidate #2 : I was a topper at Doon School, did my graduation from St. Stephen’s and went to Harvard for an MBA. Did my organizational training with Ernst & Young and worked for a year with Viacom in the States…
Alex : That sounds pretty impressive. Tell me, what is the craziest thing that you have done in your life?
Candidate #2 : I once wore a Mickey Mouse tie to work!
Alex NEXT!

Interview #3
Alex : So what have you done in your life so far?
Candidate #3 : I am from Patna and I did my schooling there. Studied Painting at the Faculty of Fine Arts in Baroda...
Alex : And you are here for a job in the Marketing department?
Candidate #3 : Why not? Can’t painters market themselves? Look at Hussain.
Alex : Hmm, I have a few of Hussain’s at home… yes, go on!
Candidate #3 : After graduation, I worked as a copywriter with a small ad agency. Got bored. Left. Now, I work in Servicing at Ambience.
Alex : What is your job profile?
Candidate #3 : I do everything a Client Servicing guy does.
Alex : Like what?
Candidate #3 : Run after everybody, fax documents, dispatch couriers…
Alex : Is that all you do?
Candidate #3 : No, I paste artworks as well.
Alex : And?
Candidate #3 : I make money for the agency.
Alex : And?
Candidate #3 : And I lie to my clients.
Alex : Does your Bihari background have anything to do with that?
Candidate #3 : No, in that case, I would have killed them by now. I used to have a pistol once upon a time…
Alex : Uh, umm… So, do you watch MTV?
Candidate #3 : No.
Alex : NO?
Candidate #3 : Actually, lately I have started watching the channel.
Alex : And why?
Candidate #3 : Well, earlier, the channel would just play the kind of music that plays at a disc. Now there’s a whole lot of music that is a part of my surroundings.
Alex : What do you like about the channel?
Candidate #3 : Govinda, Cyrus Broacha, Grind and Malaika, in opposite order.
Alex : Any shows that you like?
Candidate #3 : Name some. I don’t remember any.
Alex : (Humph!) Bakra, Fully Faltoo… there are so many!
Candidate #3 : Oh yeah, I like Fully Faltoo. Why, everybody at my agency loves the show. Just the other day our VP was talking about it when we went clubbing.
Alex : You like clubbing?
Candidate #3 : Off and on. More off than on! I am not completely a music person, you know.
Alex : And you still want to join a music channel?
Candidate #3 : Why not, I am not completely an advertising person either. And my brand still won the EFFY this year at the ABBYs.
Alex : And what was your contribution to that?
Candidate #3 : I hit a Copywriter to convince him that I was right. It worked!
Alex : I am glad you no longer keep that pistol with you. Tell me why should we hire you?
Candidate #3 : (<clunk> Pulls out the pistol and puts it on the table)
Well, I think in Hindi and react in English. And MTV needs people who could connect with the youth, in their language.
Alex : Just because you’ve come for this interview wearing a trendy half-sleeve shirt, you think you speak their language, is it?
Candidate #3 : You are wearing a similar shirt, aren’t you?
Alex : That’s besides the point. Plus, I am the <bleep> CEO of the channel.
Candidate #3 : I saw some of your marketing guys in kurtas!
Alex : Okay, so you get some brownies for observation.
Candidate #3 : Is that what they were distributing outside when I came in?
Alex : No, that was the cake on our peon Mishra’s birthday. Anyway, what more can you bring to the table?
Candidate #3 : I can make the channel look good.
Alex : You are talking to the head of this channel. You’re telling ME that we look bad?
Candidate #3 : Yes.
Alex : Dude, you have a totally confused background, zero marketing experience, NO idea of the channel, you’re downright opinionated, have dangerously violent tendencies and are COMPLETELY INSANE!!!
Candidate #3 : So?
Alex : So… from when can you join us?

Well, I don’t know what you guys make of these interviews; my reading is…
• We don’t tolerate corporate talk or bull <bleep>
• We don’t give a <bleep> about structures, egos, hierarchy, constraints, rules… or anything for that matter.
• No matter how you describe the youth – unpredictable, moody, disloyal, choosy, fickle, difficult, insane – we reflect, understand and affect them. In most ways, we are the youth.
• We don’t encourage crazy, outrageous, impossible ideas… we DEMAND them! That’s the only way we pull off a World’s Longest Dance Party, a Pre-approved Viagra Application as a New Year card in the same breath as a Global Discussion with Colin Powell, Bill Clinton, Bill Gates.
• We’re Indian… we’re international… we’re a little of both. We’re lassi in a can!
• We believe in doing the right thing, not for ratings or revenue… but because it’s the right thing to do (Btw, were you in the 25,000+ audience at our Music Summit for AIDS awareness in December?)
• We laugh at ourselves all the time, we laugh at others a lot too… and the youth laugh with us every time.
• This also helps us laugh all the way to the bank (one of our eyes always remains on the bottom line!) Yeah, being profitable is what allows us to create all the exciting and risky ideas on our agenda.
• We are ALL completely insane.
• And we love our jobs!

Enjoy!</bleep></bleep></bleep></clunk></bleep>

Things I'd wanna teach my kid...

Respect
Learn to respect people
Not just elders and parents and teachers
But people in general

And respect comes before love.
You can respect someone you love, but you can’t love someone you don’t respect.

Passion.
Do whatever you’re doing, be it playing a game, be it doing your homework, be it work… not just with complete attention but with passion.
Passion spills over.
From work, or whatever you’re doing into all aspects of life.
And keeps you alive.

Love is about give and get, not give and take.
If you love someone, don’t do that with expectations.
I know that kind of selfless love sounds hard.
But it is not a transaction.
If you’re loving someone only so that they you can get something back, be it their love, or their company, their touch… you will be disappointed a lot of times.
Love someone because you love them.
And how they are.
Not because of what they are or who they are. Not because of how they’ll love you back.
And you won’t be disappointed. Ever.

Have a dream.
Whatever it is.
It could be the silliest, craziest, zaniest, or the most regular, boring thing.
But have one.
It kind of helps you find focus and stay focused.

And then chase it.
Don’t let go.
And fulfill it. And find another.

Have a sense of humor.
Don’t take yourself too seriously.
Life is funny.
Really.
It makes a joke out of you often enough.
If you can manage to laugh at yourself, you’ll be able to get through smiling.
And sane.
And stay objective.

And while you’re at it, enjoy the ride.

Generation Why

Generation Why?

I like kids. They come right on top of my ‘like’ list. Right after pneumonia, circumcision and Musharraf. (But right before malaria, castration and Bin Laden. I had the fortune of spending last weekend with my nephew.

His name’s Hriday. (Pronounced as ‘Reedai’ but spelt as Friday.) That’s another thing I can’t figure. Why spell names unlike the way they’re pronounced? But that’s another column. Hriday is 3. Which means he’s in that phase when kids have just learnt how to speak, but not completely. Basically, they’ve graduated from goo goo, ga ga to who who, why why?

Anything you say will be promptly repeated back to you. But with the word “why?’ thrown right back in. Here’s a sample conversation we had while I was watching, correction, trying to watch television…
Hriday: Ashish uncle, why are you watching TV?
Me: Because there’s a Baywatch rerun on.
Hriday: Why are you watching a Baywatch rerun?
Me: Because there’s Pamela Anderson in it.
Hriday: Why is Pamela Anderson in it?
Me: Because she’s a very talented actress and Baywatch is a series that can show, uh, showcase all her talents.
Hriday: Why is Baywatch is a series that can showcase all her talents?
Me: Because it offers an opportunity for a range of emotions to be portrayed in a range of situations week after a week.
For instance: Person who can’t swim trapped in boat with hole… Pam looks worried
Person who can’t swim trapped in hole with boat… Pam looks concerned.
Person who can swim trapped in boat with hole… Pam looks troubled.
Person who can swim trapped in hole with boat… Pam looks anxious.
Person who can’t swim trapped in rubber dinghy with hole… Pam looks apprehensive.
Person who can’t swim trapped in hole with rubber dinghy… Pam looks disturbed.

You get the idea. I’m really looking forward to episode 312. This is the 2-hour season finale and has a person who can’t swim trapped in a hole with a surfboard. I believe, Pam has to look vexed (not waxed) in this one.

Anyway, even after sharing several challenging story lines and Pam’s performance with Hriday, his response was… “But why are you watching TV?”
I switched off the TV.

Hriday: Ashish uncle, why did you switch off the TV?

I have a 3-year-old type question. WHY do 3 year olds do this? Is it their tremendous thirst for knowledge? Is it that they’re still figuring out the alphabet and the only letter they have learnt so far is ‘Y’? Or is it their undying love for the Backstreet Boys? (If about five 3 year olds get together they even sing, “tell me why” complete with profile shots, abdominal biscuits showing and all to you.)

I have spent countless seconds trying to understand why 3 year olds do this. I have even discussed it with Hriday over milk. And I think I have figured it out. It’s none of the above reasons. They are doing this simply because they like being irritating pains in the ass.

Female 3 year olds do this better than the male species. It’s a genetic thing. I mean the questions. And the 3-year-olds who do it better than the others go on to become your bosses. Moronic questions that are useless are a critical qualification essential for corporate success.

Now if any of you didn’t understand / agree with / like this piece, do me a favour… DON’T tell me why.

Career Confusion

It’s a question that’s troubled most of us at some point in time.
It is something still troubles me…

Main badaa hokey kya karunga?

In the words of U2… and I still haven’t found what I was looking for.
And I often get approached for career advice… HA! HA!

These are some notes I’d scribbled a long time back… maybe fun to read if not useful.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When you grow up, will you be a Chartered Accountant [Ugh!]?
[Ps: And I almost became one… clearing my entrance, interviewing through 7 rounds for Arthur Andersen – the leading CA firm then, now Ernst & Young / Accenture. Decided not to join them one day before my start date! Thank GOD!]

Will you be a film maker?
Will you be a diamond merchant [Echh!]?
Or a rock star?

Will you study to be an Engineer?
Or a Doctor?
Will you get an MBA?
Or a Doctorate?

Will you get rich?
Or have to slog all your life?
Will you stay here?
Or move abroad?

Will you be employed for someone?
Or start your own business?

I don’t know.
I bet you don’t either.
And you don’t really care at this stage.

This is the simplest and truly the only piece of career advice I’d ever give anyone…

“Do what you want!”

It sounds too simple, and at some level, obnoxious… but it’s not and I think it works.
Let me explain.

There’s really 3 parts to this one simple statement.

1. “DO what you want.”
Don’t just talk about it. “Ek din main picture banaunga… “
And then look at others are doing it – shifting from architecture / interior decoration or whatever to making a movie. As you think about how you could have been that… or would have probably made a better movie…

Go out there and make it moron!
DO it.

2. “Do what YOU want.”
Don’t become something that your dad or mom want you to be.
Don’t study something because your friends are doing that.
What YOU want.

3. “Do what you WANT.”
What you really want.

And honestly, it doesn’t really matter what you become, what career you choose as long as it’s a career YOU choose.

As long as it’s a dream you chase.
It’s a passion you have.
It’s a choice you make.

Don’t’ worry about whether you will get rich or not.
Or whether you do that here or abroad.

It doesn’t matter whether you have your own business or are employed for someone.
What matters is that you’re working only for yourself.

Find what you want to do. First. And Foremost.
And then go ahead and do that.
The money will get sorted out automatically.

Often enough, you may say, that you don’t know what you actually want.
Bullshit.

You always do.
You are actually only waiting for reaffirmation / reassurance from outside when you seek another point of view / advice.

Go with the gut.
It’s rarely wrong.

And DO WHAT YOU WANT.
You won’t have to ‘work’ a single day in your life!

Walk of Life!

Really old note I'd written - over 6 to 7 years back over how much I hate walking while Shital loves it...

WALK OF LIFE

Shital likes walking. No, really. She does. I mean, ask her who her favourite comic book character is. It won’t be Betty, Jughead, Asterix, Tintin, Spiderman or so. No, it’s the Phantom. Ask her why, and she’ll tell you it’s ‘cos his secret identity is Mr. Walker. The Ghost who walks! Even her favourite brand of alcohol is Johnny Walker. It’s another matter that she doesn’t drink. The kind of songs she listens to, hums (off-key) are also in the same category, ‘Chalte Chalte’, ‘Chal Chal Mere Bhai’. About the only English song she ever liked was ‘Walk of Life’ and the only rock song she ever heard, ‘Walk this Way’. Even the films she saw, ‘Chalti ka Naam Gaadi’, ‘Footloose’ reflect this life long obsession.

But does Shital herself, really walk a lot? According to her – Yes. Reality – No. Every morning she walks from home to the temple and then to the bus stop. She feels that is pretty much the same distance as Mumbai – Khadakvasla (if you take the express highway). She often comes back and says, “Today I climbed 22 floors!” And you run to fetch her a glass of cold water to drink and hot water to soak her feet in when you realize that what she meant is that it was actually going up one floor 11 times. At different points in time. And of course, then climbing down! P-h-e-w! That must have been tiring.

One would think that so much exertion through the day might deter her desire for walking once home. But no. No such luck. I dunno, I haven’t been able to figure out why? Is it genetic? Are her parents walkers? (No. They’re Mehtas.) Did her mom walk a lot while she was pregnant? Hence the bad influence? No, that doesn’t seem the case either. Did she, as a child, have a dog, which had to be walked ever so often? No. But she insists on walking me every night. While I’d rather roll over and play dead. Is it exercise? Then why not go in the morning just like most normal people do. “No. I don’t have time in the morning. I have to go to office and I’m in a rush…” No. Then it couldn’t be about exercise. At times she says it’s because she gets to spend quality time with me. ‘Cos then I’m not looking at the television, talking on the phone or doing anything else. But hey, we can spend quality time at home by simply switching off the TV, cell phone, doorbell. No. For some strange reason, quality time together needs to be spent outside the house. ?? Why?? Does it not remain together if we’re at home alone? Does it not remain quality if we’re at home? ?? What??

So, every night it’s the same routine. Go down post dinner, walk towards Haji Ali, reach Crossroads then Shital asks, “Can we go up to Pyramid and look at salwars?” Reply ever so sweetly, “Honey, of course NOT!!!” Turn back so she asks, “Then can I have an ice cream?” So you shell out the money, she grabs an ice cream and we get home.

Ah! I knew I was on to something. Tracking this further I soon found that Shital was never keen on walks anywhere else. Conventional walk zones don’t fit into her scheme of things. “Race Course is shut by the time I come back from work” / “My hair gets dirty at Sea Face” / “Nariman Point is too crowded” / “PDP is too far” / “It’s too awkward in our building, besides that Parsi aunty from the 9th floor stares at my butt.”

Also, by chance if she happened to have seen that the ice cream guy opposite Crossroads was shut that particular day, suddenly, “I’m too tired, my legs are aching today!” Otherwise the routine remained unchanged. The flavours may have changed daily but the ice cream remained a constant. And I realized, that the entire walk obsession thing, complete with the togetherness and the quality time bit was a sham, a façade, an eyewash… ok, hold on while I get a Thesaurus… a lie!!

The truth was that what she really wanted was… a soft serve cone in litchi flavour! Uske aage, mein cone, I mean, kaun? How could I ever match up against the might of fruit, biscuit, vanilla essence, artificial colouring and Hindustan Lever’s millions?

But I decided to pick up the gauntlet! I have now become a franchisee for Kwality ice cream. Now the 5 buck ice cream cone is available in my house. Surprisingly, the urges for ‘quality time’ have stopped. Guess, what she meant all along was Kwality time together! We have also managed to bypass the need for a walk altogether. And Shital’s happy. So net-net, this franchisee deal has worked out quite well for me. Who knows I might actually even manage to make some money off this thing. If only, my wife didn’t eat all the stock!

My first job experience...

The TOI guys asked me to take a crack at a bunch of questions for an article. Had to really jog my memory, but it was fun and got me all nostalgic...

HOW IT ALL BEGAN…
Well, I’ve had several interesting firsts... I almost became a Chartered Accountant under duress, clearing my CA entrance exam, signing up for articles at Ernst & Young [then Arthur Andersen] after 7 rounds of interviews. Deciding to not join 1 day before start date as I would have slashed my wrists if I were looking at balance sheets and P&L statements 5 years from there. Little did I know, that in addition to my role as creative head, I’d also be running the P&L for MTV, a few years from there.

In college, I’d started an ‘advertising agency’ titled “Fresh Lime Soda” with a class-mate [Jehil Thakkar, who now heads the Media & Entertainment management consultancy division @ KPMG]. Later I had a short stint as Junior Copywriter @ Contract Advertising [when all the creative gurus were there – Ravi Deshpande, who now runs it, Rahul D’Cunha, Prashant Godbole, Renton D’souza – working with Raj Kaushal who’s now a rocking Bollywood producer/director].

Then all the ‘middle-class maharashtrian’ insecurities came in and my parents had said, “Get a real job, you can’t be writer for a living!” So, I did the ‘sensible’ thing. Went to Business School. Still wanted to be close to creative – and in those days [94-95], the only option that gave you that outlet and still a steady income was advertising. So I decided to go back to it. But switching sides to Account Planning. I did my summer internship at the University of Advertising, Lintas and got a pre-placement offer. Eventually when I joined, I had an option of joining one of two divisions at Lintas: Bombay 1/ or 4 which handled all the Unilever’s business, seen as the hottest place to learn strategy, planning, handle large multi-media campaigns with big billings OR SSC&B Lintas, the new creative off-shoot of Lintas, set up to handle conflicting accounts with Ajay Chandwani as President [who is simply one of the best presenters I’ve ever seen! I mean truly, I used to think I was the shit, but I saw him pitch for new business and I was, “Master, teach me Kung Fu!”] that had just picked up India’s first Cannes Gold Lion for Advertising.

For someone who was starting out his career in advertising, the choice would have been simple. But for someone who came back to advertising because he tripped out on good creative work – Bombay 1, in those days would have been creative hara-kiri. I didn’t see myself working on campaigns/ briefs that were as open as “Write anything you want in the headline as long as it has the words ‘shiny’, ‘luxurious’, ‘black’ and ‘hair’, ok?” Or selling detergent through housewives in white saaris talking about jhaag and daag… AAAAAAARGH! And so SSC&B Lintas, it was.

So that technically was my first job.

Loads of fun stories associated with SSC&B, including the initial departmental rotation/ training that our batch of Management Trainees went through – that we wanted to run out of.

I remember my first day post assignment too, when a fight had broken out between a fairly senior female Creative Director and one of the Servicing guys – and the full on gaali galauj that were being screamed a each other across the office. Hell, if you think the Roadies auditions have a lot of bleeps, baby, you ain’t heard nothing. This was induction by fire! I was too petrified to ask anyone where the pantry or the loo was that day.

WHO WAS YOUR REPORTING BOSS AT YOUR FIRST JOB? DEFINE HIS/ HER PERSONALITY AND HOW DID HE HELP YOU GROOM YOUR SKILLS?
My first boss was Suman Srivastava [he now heads Euro RSCG across Asia-Pacific and most parts of the inter-galactic milky way from what I know]. Full on techie, obsessive planning addict and a stickler for detail and organizing things. The joke was that in the night if his wife woke up for a glass of water, when she got back, the bed would be made all over again! Suman was also my guide for the summer project I did there. From him I learnt about passion, passion for advertising & communication; the power of planning and about attention to detail. I think, he also gave me his OCD though…

My first reporting boss though was Rajesh Tahil [who made a lateral shift out to head Radio Mid-day, Go 92.5fm, then become publisher of the Mid-day group and now is an entrepreneur doing some really cool shit like bringing in Pakistan’s first horror/ slasher flick]. Rajesh was the rockstar at the agency [hell he’ll always be a rockstar!], so I was really lucky to have him as my boss. From him I learnt that there are creative people and there are suits… you’ll find loads of both. But a ‘creative suit’ is a very very rare mix. If you have that, then you’re sorted. Rajesh was the original creative suit. Who could write a strategy presentation as well as a tagline for a campaign. Who could handle the excel sheet & credit collections [although grudgingly] and enjoyed chasing billings as much as the joy of seeing, getting and executing a good creative campaign out there. I guess my ability to pull off a dual profile of being business & creative head has happened also thanks to the grounding that I got with him.

WHAT WAS YOUR AGE WHEN YOU JOINED?
I was about 21 when I joined. This was post B-school and a specialization in media, marketing & communication.

WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST SALARY? WHAT ALL DID YOUR SALARY INCLUDE? WHEN DID YOU GET YOUR FIRST INCREMENT?
Lintas was not too bad, in fact, it was one of the better paying Companies on campus, definitely the best start in advertising. I started at a 1.2L per annum package with a bonus of 20k at the end of the year. In fact, our batch of MT’s was paid higher than the servicing bunch that was a year senior to us which had caused insane amounts of HR issues within the agency then… ha! My first increment was on completion of a year. In those days, you were pretty much sure of Death, Taxes & Promotions in advertising.

WHO WERE YOUR FIRST COLLEAGUES? NARRATE AN EXPERIENCE OF WORKING WITH THEM.
I have always been fortunate to have had a chance to work with complete psychos. Right from one of my batch-mates, Kusal Roy [an IIT Kharakpur, IIM-A topper, who now is MD, Barclay’s Bank, NBFC division] – who had got ‘conned’ into joining advertising with a killer pre-placement talk by Andrey Purshottam [now on the boards of several Companies, consultant for the Mahindra group and more] that led him to believe self-actualization and Nirvana will happen at Lintas. Kusal was assigned the Double Bull account where he dealt with a fun client called Mr. Thadani [pronounced “arre babba Tharraaani!”] They were in the midst of launching a lingerie [pronounced “arre babbaa LINGAREE!”] brand. We used to wait for Kusal to come back from a client meeting just to hear him mimic Mr. Tharraaaani about his vision for the brand, the Company and he “A-cup, B-cup, C-cup, Brows and Pontees!”

Then there was Darius Shroff, psycho-bawa for some, killer virus for all, as he abhorred computer games and anyone who “indulged” in them. He had undertaken a personal mission, actually a “jihad” against Tetris, Solitaire & Freecell in particular He’d stay back late in the agency just to delete the games of everyone’s machines. And often several other files – including important communication like someone’s cv that they’d spent the better half of the week updating – just to teach them a lesson! “Saala-log ne samjha ke nahi samajh nahi parrtaa hai toh mein delete karke seekhaayega!” he would say in his best “Pindi” [that’s Dadar Parsi Colony accent wala Hindi].

But one of my favorite stories is inspired by one of my Scott Adams’ early books – The Dilbert Principle/ The Joy of Work. Besides the funny comic strips, this book has a fantastic closing chapter that doles out some serious management advice. It’s titled “O.A.5.” which is “Out at 5pm”. The principle is to make sure you plan/ work in such a way that you are geared to leave office by 5pm latest. Doesn’t mean you shirk work, or do it shoddily. But just prioritize, plan life and manage it so smartly that you are out of office by 5. So you have a life! Fantastic thought I say. We were young, innocent, easily influenced and mostly stupid. My & my colleague Azhar Shamim [who’s now in Dubai running a consultancy and smoking a cigarette] decided to try and put this into practice. Of course rechristening it, “O.A.8.” as 8pm in those days as a trainee when you’re at the bottom of the food chain was a serious ambition. Rajesh, our boss came to know. So to make things interesting, he decided to up the stakes and added a twist to the game.

He said, each time either of us couldn’t exit at 8pm, he’d fine us 10 bucks and place it into a box called ‘the Chatter-box’. That would be opened at the end of every month. And the money collected would go towards funding a gift, flowers, chocolates and more for a girl who we found particularly annoying - Srija Chatterjee [Chatter-jee, hence the ‘chatter-box’, get it?] Srija now of course, is a pal, but then was just an incentive to leave office fast! Needless to add, she was one happy woman who believed she had developed 2 hopeless admirers who kept showering her with gifts every month – as we never made it out the door before midnight. So we finally, of course drove her so mad that she not only quit Lintas, but left advertising for a bit to run marketing at Marico.

NARRATE YOUR FIRST GOOF UP AND HOW DID YOU DEAL WITH IT?
I used to work on an account called Allwyn refrigerators. Massive consumer durable brand down south. They had 2 huge bursts of advertising – one during the summers and the other in the festive/ diwali season. Diwali used to run a big discount scheme. And given their spread, their campaign used to be a humongous, multi-media one that ran in 13 different languages, with 6 different subjects, 4 different sizes with different amounts/ price-offs for different areas basis taxes and a varying ‘dealer panel’ under each ad. Production and logistics were a nightmare!

In one of the inserts, which was in Oriya – so I couldn’t have caught it either inspite of language proof-reader, multiple checks – instead of “Allwyn’s special Diwali offer, new refrigerator with Rs. 1170/- off!”, the sub-head had become, “Allwyn’s special Diwali offer, new refrigerator FOR Rs. 1170/-” From what seemed like a really effective ad as there were riots and lines at the showroom – it turned out to become one huge disaster.

I dealt with that in the best, and the only, way I know how to deal with goof-ups. Own up. Apologize. And offer a make-good. Fortunately, the publication we released the ad in used to get a lot of business from Allwyn and didn’t wanna lose the campaign, so they did a bonus ad for us and all was well that ended well!

NARRATE THE FIRST TIME YOU WERE LAUDED FOR YOUR WORK BY THE TEAM AND YOUR BOSS.
Advertising people love awards. No matter what they say. Everyone. From the creative to the media guy. And ‘scam ads’ and ads that were never released, but entered just for ‘awards' were the rage then. I personally thought that was a really rotten idea. Now our Art Director, Mahesh Gharat [who’s now Serious Creative Big Cheese at O&M] had cracked a super ad for the new Allwyn Deep & Wide refrigerators <layout attached="">..

I’d told him I’d get him a release, I’d sell it to the client even if it was off-season, this was an ad-hoc release and/or not in line with the main campaign. But we’d do it with the client’s formal sign off and at their cost. So I drafted a letter to sell it to him as a script <copy attached="">and shipped it out.

My client, Mr. Jassawala who ran Allwyn, was also a guy with a really wicked sense of humor. He signed off on the letter saying giving us the permission to release the ad but had strategically placed his initials and the line “Go ahead” right next to where I said, “Or I’ll just have to shoot myself!”

The team and my boss, had of course, loved that I did sell this through and that the ad also got us some awards that we all loved added to the joy.

WHEN DID YOU HAVE YOUR FIRST ARGUMENT? WITH WHOM DID YOU HAVE IT? AND WHAT WAS THE FINAL OUTCOME?
I think among the first few arguments I’d had was on one of the Pharma accounts I worked on – Boots, for their brands Strepsils & Icy cough lozenges. This was with the writer on the account – Vishal Vij – who’s also an awesome adfilm maker and more. This was over a fabulous script he’d written for Icy featuring the ‘Yeti’, the abominable snowman. The script was terrific, but for the dus paise ka goli being pitched to the lower end junta, the context was entirely off. Their reference points were DD and at the most Annu Kapoor singing, “deewane, mastane, parwaane” in Antakshari on Zee TV. Great creative expression, completely off-brief. I argued, fought, fought hard. Finally we decided to present both routes. Everyone laughed and loved the Yeti route, but decided to go with the other campaign. I won. Hee! Ha!

WAS THERE A TIME WHEN YOU FELT DEJECTED WHEN AN IDEA WAS REJECTED, ETC.?
When you feel as passionately about your work, and creative, there are several instances like that. This one particular time was on one of the accounts I serviced – a white rum from the house of UDV [that also distributed/ marketed Smirnoff, Archers, etc.] – called Malibu. They were doing a Caribbean Carnival event and there as 3 ad press campaign plugging that. We’d cracked some fun layouts featuring all the highlights of the party – face painting, hair braiding, flame throwers, etc. with all the cues of reggae, etc. <campaign layouts="" attached="">The flame thrower layout had a Bob Marley-esque character. Our client, Mahesh Madhavan [who headed marketing and is now the MD of Bacardi in India], felt the picture looked less Bob Marley and more Sadhu baba and bounced it. Given the deadlines, we’d decided to just rerun one of the other ads. This was really depressing for the team as they’d all really busted their butts pulling off this campaign. So it became full ‘izzat ka sawaal’ and I decided to head straight from the client’s office to Wilson College’s hostel. I knew they typically hosted a few African American students. I picked up one of them, asked him to hop on to my bike, got the campaign still shot overnight and had the ad redone, and we got it approved, released as planned. What fun!

NARRATE ANY TWO WHACKY/ FUNNY INCIDENTS THAT TOOK PLACE IN YOUR FIRST JOB THAT STILL REMAIN ETCHED IN YOUR MEMORY
In those days, at Lower Parel, this is the Phoenix Mills complex which was a barren mill, no flyover, etc. – there used to be parking on only one side of the road till 4pm and then the other side post that – to deal with office rush hour traffic, etc. So we’d have to shift our cars, vehicles to the other side during lunch to avoid them getting towed. There was a production, printing & processing in-charge called Rahul who had a habit of leaving his car keys around.

So one day I’d managed to get a duplicate made of his car keys. [And he drove a Fiat – we could actually have opened it with a Godrej cupboard key.] Then it became a year long campaign to every afternoon go and mess with Rahul’s car, and his head. So everyday, we’d go and shift it two spots, put the seat down, switch the radio one, flip the direction of the parking, leave a magazine inside, move papers from front to the back seat. Just enough change to make sure Rahul notices, but not sufficient [like whacking the cassette player] for him to call the cops or anything. He’d be mindfried everyday wondering what the hell was going on. He went to give his deck for servicing every month as he thought it got switched on eerily on it’s own. It was like the Truman Show. Everyone except him was in on the gag. It was freaky. Finally a year later, when he was moving cities, we gave him the duplicate keys back and revealed the gag as a farewell gift. We thought he’s gonna have a nervous breakdown on hearing it. So if you thought our Bakras at MTV were wicked, oh my God… you have no idea!
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The other fun time was when we were doing a “free service camp” tactical campaign on Allwyn refrigerators for Kerala. So we’d created a character called “Dr. Allwyn” who could cure your refrigerator of all ailments. The ad released and I was flooded with calls from the local dealer/ sales agent saying “Pull it out, pull it out!” There were some 5,000 people outside the showroom where this camp was organized. Sounds like the sign of a successful campaign. The only catch was no one had a refrigerator, but they all had some ailment or the other – a drinking problem, someone was lame, blind, had lost money gambling, or so. They all thought “Dr. Allwyn” was one of those missionaries, gospel singers who comes and promises, “The blind shall see, the lame shall walk… come one, come all, Dr. Allwyn share cure you all!” Man, that was one surreal experience!

WHEN DID YOU LEAVE YOUR FIRST JOB?
This was in 98 sometime, when MTV came along. And I made a move out of advertising to media. I left SSC&B not because I was bored, but because I got excited by something else a lot more. What the brand allowed you to do, in fact, mandated, was outrageous creative work. And that’s what got my rocks off.

I’ve been with MTV ever since – this is, in fact, my 11th year with MTV. I’ve been lucky to have had a chance to work across functions/ departments – right from marketing, sales to programming, artiste relations, promos, show production to now the full creative & content plus business responsibilities. And in a place like MTV, everyday feels like a new job and a first day at work.</campaign></copy></layout>